What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 08:37
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was in good health!
All the time i was locked up.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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He knew the spot.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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This is soul school!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I waited trembling.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I have no regrets .
I don,t even have a pension.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I think the readers, may guess!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it wasn’t much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So, i spoilt her more .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
I was scared of men, in general
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
What did i know ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She married twice! .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
When she asked me how she looked .
But, we were locked up after school.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I write beautiful poetry .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were not on the streets..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them